Ego Tsunami

So I spent the better part of my new favorite day of the week, Taco Tuesday (Mofo!!) working on a piece of erotica about Sarah Palin that I ended up calling Republican’s Delight.

Here’s the links to my 1st draft hosted – NSFW!!!
http://thirstforfire.com/republicansdelight.html

I also converted it to PDF through Open Office thanks to PH Madore. That guy has so got his act together. You can check his newest site out here: http://mourningsilence.com.

Seems like a great deal of the day was spent chasing problems in between. A company I work for had deposited my monthly payment directly into my account, which promptly failed, leaving me negative by about a grand today. Good times. I found myself starting to get angry, starting to make up stories in my head as I talked to the Bank and the company owner Dennis. Here is a small sampling of the “stories” that ran through my mind.

“He is lying and ripping me off.”
“The Bank has stolen my money.”
“Now I won’t be able to pay my rent.”
“I’m going to be charged all sorts of overdraft fees and this isn’t even my fault!”
“Oh my Buddha I have no money! How will I eat or pay for gas?”
“Now I can’t see my Godson for Halloween or go out!”
“Dennis probably never even deposited my check in the first place. The company is just using me. They keep calling me and acting like I should work today but they aren’t even paying me! I am SOOOOO getting ripped off!”

These nearly instantaneous thoughts were soon followed by other similarly pleasant thoughts.

“Why is it that no matter how hard I work I am still broke? I used to have tons of money and now I can’t seem to get out of the hole and get my life together?”

and then I found this lying underneath those thoughts…

“No woman wants to be involved with a loser who can’t seem to get their bank account straightened out. You are never going to find a woman who will love you enough to marry you if you can’t figure out how to pay off your debts and get a real job!”

Wow! That’s a lot of pressure! Lol. I didn’t even know that last one was in there.

As I said, most of these thoughts fired off so quickly that had I not been working extra hard lately on myself I might not have noticed them. In Tolle’s A New Earth (which I am more than halfway through) he reminds us that the intelligence that operates the body cannot distinguish the difference between an actual attack and the thought of one. Negative and unproductive thoughts manifest the same results in the body that a low level threat does, and in some cases much much more! A wash of toxic and unpleasant chemicals floods the body as these fictional stories ramp up in the imagination, leaving the person with a nasty thought hangover. Lol. Often these conditions become so normal that people grow “chemically addicted” to these disharmonious states! Those of you who grew up in households like the one I grew up in, with constant screaming and fighting, as well as physical and psychological abuse, know very well what I am talking about. It took me YEARS to stop the voices screaming in my head when I got out.

Good thing I have been devoting so much time to Byron Katie and Eckhart Tolle as of late, or I might have been taken under. Instead I noticed that I was escalating a pattern of story-telling in my head and stepped back to the position of third party observer. Awareness always and without fail completely demolishes it’s shadowy counterpart. It is like turning on a floodlight in the dark and realizing that you were sitting safely in a small room the whole time you thought you were lost in the wild.

Instead of being upset with Dennis I started laughing at my own insanity. Sure nothing was fixed but I FELT SO MUCH BETTER that it didn’t matter. Getting mad at Dennis or the bank wasn’t going to solve my problems. In fact it was probably going to make it worse. It just goes to show that nearly any situation if viewed properly can be a portal to enlightenment. Your teachers are all around you if you know how to look.

For some reason it makes me think of the Osho quote about Awareness.

“Mind can never be intelligent - only no-mind is intelligent. Only no-mind is original and radical. Only no-mind is revolutionary - revolution in action.

This mind gives you a sort of stupor. Burdened by the memories of the past, burdened by the projections of the future, you go on living - at the minimum. You don't live at the maximum. Your flame remains very dim.

Once you start dropping thoughts, the dust that you have collected in the past, the flame arises - clean, clear, alive, young. Your whole life becomes a flame, and a flame without any smoke. That is what awareness is.” OSHO

Or as Katie and Tolle lovingly remind us, the (mind) is like a virus that feeds and protects the ego out of fear of it’s own impending death.

I talked to Andicat for a long while (again) after Hug Nation (http://hugnation.com/) - about her life. Hug Nation was plagued with technical issues and got cut short this week. I barely made it there before it was over. Nice to see Spotman and Slinkerbell.

I spent most of the evening watching kid’s movies that I love. This is not all that atypical to be completely honest. Usually after finishing writing horror movies or porn scripts or erotica I find this urge to sit and watch G rated stuff for hours on end. That is exactly what I did too. I watched nearly all of SURF’S UP (one of my favorite movies since it features surfing – duh J) then watched most of OPEN SEASON and ended my night with CHARMED, which wormed it’s pithy way into my heart deeper than LILO & STITCH for no apparent reason. In between I made an Italian dinner feast from scratch with stuff I already had around the house and played with my cat. Soon I had forgotten all about the day.

Baby J sent me the most moving video link I have ever seen in my life, a real heartbreaking tearjerker of a clip about a sick baby named Elliot that only lived 99 days and his courageous parents. DO NOT WATCH THIS if you are feeling emotional because IT WILL MESS YOU UP!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=th6Njr-qkq0

Now, what was it that you were complaining about again today? ;)

I cannot even fathom the kind of bravery and compassion these people displayed in taking care of baby Elliot, the kindness and love they exhibited every day as they cared for their disabled infant son. What incredible strength his father showed! It’s definitely an amazing testament of one family’s love and faith and spirituality. This would destroy most people, most marriages, and instead it brought out the best in them and undoubtedly brought them closer still. What amazing parents they are. I hope they try to have more children. They fucking deserve it.

I’m off to attempt to vote early now. Just finished writing my own personal guide to voting on the propositions. I don’t know about the rest of you but I’m looking forward to having a White Black Muslim Christian Atheist Maoist Elitist Liberal Latte Sipping Black Power Marxist Communist Socialist Terrorist President who hates Jews and Israel so much he named Biden his Vice Presidential pick. I guess that’s because as a Buddhist Democratic Socialist Netroots Actblue Activist and Social Progressive I just love to see Theocratic Neocon Reagan Worshipping Rethuglicans hoisted on their own petards, respectively!

Lol. How’s that for labels? It’s like an ego tsunami! That’s it. I’m going to go out and hug a Republican today and tell them not to be afraid. I wonder how that will go over?

Wish me luck!!!

Why Do Women Love Complaining About Their BF's Bad Behavior So Much?

I was talking with a friend the other day and she began to launch into a rant about some of the types of problems she had been having with her boyfriend. Shockingly enough this has become a common theme amongst my female friends. I guess in a lot of ways it’s just something that women do – complain to each other about their boyfriends. This friend in particular has shared things about her boyfriend’s performance anxiety in bed, for lack of a better term, emotional problems, and fear of commitment – amongst other things. Another female friend, B, is dealing with outrageous and unwarranted jealousy issues from her nearly 40-year-old boyfriend – eventually resorting to enabling his behavior in order to maintain the relationship. It was only when she moved out of his house that he admitted he had a problem and would consider therapy.

Now, I know I am caught up in my own life sometimes and that I miss the point as a result. That’s become relatively clear as of late. I can deal with being slightly self-absorbed. I am doing my best to reach out more and be a better listener. Still given the incredible path I have been driven to follow the last few years, and the nature of the relationships I have survived in the last decade, I couldn’t help but turn inward as I listened to them talk. I have taken serious criticism for minor character flaws and been forced to grow and adapt at a rapid pace in the last few years because of them. Sitting and listening lately to women whine about how their boyfriends fear commitment, take pills to get their small cocks hard, throw tantrums when life throws them a minor curve ball, make ridiculous demands, refuse to deal with their jealousy and insecurity, refuse to move out, move on, or grow up – OR WHATEVER THE BOUNDARY ISSUE – is just driving me nuts! These are beautiful and amazing women, every last one of them – and they are putting up with dating baby men so spiritually devoid and pathetically emotionally crippled they can barely make it through a day without massive ego stroking.

I’m sorry. I know that this is judgmental, but there is a point in it. I swear. My point is completely and totally self-absorbed too! I promise! Lol.

I started thinking about all the things women have accused me of in the last ten years and how they used it as an excuse to move on. I have been called moody. I have been accused of being jealous and controlling when I was in a fully open relationship and let my girlfriend sleep with other women and couples – yes couples! I have been told that I need therapy to deal with my issues. You know what? I decided to do something about it, despite finding out I was being manipulated. I went to therapy and worked on my childhood issues. I went to hypnotherapy to root out any jealousy issues. I began reading every damn book I could find on relationships and boundary issues and eventually committed to a spiritual path that has brought great joy and peace into my life. I took it to heart and I am glad that I did. I got off my ass and stopped making excuses and DID SOMETHING ABOUT IT!

When I hear enlightened people make excuses to save their fractured relationships with immaculately flawed boyfriends with commitment issues I still feel dumbfounded. About a year ago I made the decision that I love myself enough not to stay in toxic relationships with prostitutes and liars.

I told two separate women this recently when they started in and both defended their decisions. One who I am particularly close to let me know she just needed to let off steam and trusted to tell me a great deal about her life. I get that. I appreciate that. I’m leaving out a ton of details on her behalf despite the fact that this will probably never be read by any of the people I am referring to. I let her know I understand. I also told her how I was dumped hard on the curb more than once for far less than what she is complaining about experiencing with her man. I explained how girls always complain about commitment issues and how despite not having those I am still very single. She laughed hard at that.

“Maybe you have the other problem,” she playfully jested. “You cling too hard.” Ouch. That took me off my high horse – right away!!! It sucks to hear anything critical when you really loved someone and worked hard to make the relationship work - only to find out from your ex’s best friend that they cheated on you and sold themselves nearly the entire relationship as a high priced escort. Not cool. I bristled and denied the charge, fearing the whole time she might have been right. Fuck.

“Trust me,” she loving replied, “when you get into another serious relationship your girlfriend will be calling one of her close friends and complaining about something you do.”

So, I ask you, anonymous reader, is there any real hope? I hate to think she is right but she might just be. It’s such an openly cynical view of relationships but with such a wonderfully true aftertaste of realism.

I spent nearly a decade living with a partner. I miss it a lot some days. I think it is part of why I rant so much. My married friends have each other to share mundane thoughts with each other. If they have a thought about Sarah Palin or they saw something strange or believe their coworkers might be plotting against them – whatever the issue - they take it home and share it with their partner. I only have my friends and everyone is so busy these days with their partners and families. Some days it’s like word vomit. Someone asks how my day is or what I think about something and I just go off. I hate it. I’m working on it.

Coming back from surfing this morning I thought maybe if I blogged more here it might help me be more calm and laconic in my responses to others. The truth is I would love to get involved with a suitable partner and get married again and even start a family. Sometimes I get so excited dreaming about it I can barely sit still.

All I can say is that when I get there again, and I am sure I will, I really hope that we can avoid the pitfall of having to call our friends and complain about each other. I may be wrong but I think that shows a real lack of communication and trust. Guess we will see. For now, it’s me and my cat George against the world! What do you know? I do feel better.

Nanda

Transitional Periods

I haven’t blogged since I moved into my new place down here in Manhattan Beach. It feels like I have had just a ridiculous amount of catching up to do. I literally spent three weeks packing and moving and unpacking. Then after I finally got settled in, to some degree, I realized I didn’t need all of this shit and began giving away, selling, or throwing out most of what I owned. It is an exhilarating feeling to give your property away.

Why is that?

Andicat tells me that it is good feng shui. I keep threatening her, and everyone else I know, by claiming that I plan on shooting an all-Asian anal porn series named Feng Shui-anal! If you screw your Han girlfriend in the right position facing the correct direction your luck will change!!! Don’t look at me. It was my sister-in-law Becky’s idea originally.

Moving on then…

Days have gone by in the process and I am just now settling in. It feels like the biggest transitional period of my adult life to be honest, like it’s ongoing. I will post about the move itself next, in the Infamous $500 Blanket Blog Post!

At the same time I have been dealing with work nonsense, which is never ending, dieting on Atkins, and getting ready for Burning Man. I was going to the Caribbean with my famiglia but Papa Salerno had a heart attack just this last weekend so it looks like St. Lucia is going to have to wait. It was pretty freaky going to the hospital to see him. Phil was sleeping and no amount of noise could seem to wake him but I figured it was for the best, since he probably needed the rest really bad. They gave him a bunch of morphine (lucky bastard but at what a cost!) and he is supposedly feeling much better. Still it made me think about my childhood again and my family and the whole thing kind of depressed me for a minute.

I am looking forward to being able to spend the full week at Burning Man. Yay hippies! I am joining up with Halcyon and Andicat and their group called BAT COUNTRY. It’s like a hippy wonderland utopia where people act like kind and loving human beings who care about one another and everyone has fun. It was hard to come home last year. I can’t believe it has already been a full year. Fuck. Time keeps shooting past me.

I also need to update my FlickR photos and my Myspace so keep your fingers crossed that I will find the time and sanity to sit down long enough and do that.

As my ex-wife used to say, Peace and Chicken grease!

Nanda

Tony Snow Fakes Death @ 53

Okay. This is probably a little mean but it was meant to be biting and sardonic more than anything. You should skip it if you are easily offended.

I have always wanted to write for THE ONION or WONKETTE but can't get them to pay attention to me so when Tony Snow died a few weeks ago and WONKETTE was covering the Paultard Convention I snapped this off and sent it in. No reply. Fuck me.

I also sent it to my former Editor at Ruthless Reviews who ended up liking it quite a bit. We're talking about doing more and, even though it's not a paying gig, it's still a fine start.

I hope you enjoy it.

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BREAKING NEWS!!!

Tony Snow Fakes Death At 53

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Tony Snow joins Elvis Presley Jim Morrison, Tupac Shukar, and a tan and well-rested Ken Lay on a secluded island paradise this weekend, presumably the same one ABC uses to shoot their wildly popular sitcom LOST, after faking his own death from a prolonged battle with colon cancer. He leaves behind a devoted wife and two children, as well as a legacy of ridiculous propaganda that cruelly justified some of the greatest scandals in American political history.

The 53-year-old faithful Bushie and NeoCon mouthpiece was beloved to millions of American zombies FOX News viewers and NASCAR fans - as well as with the blood drinking super wealthy like George Soros. Impromptu candle lit prayer vigils are reportedly springing up across the nation. Whether weeping over caviar and gold encrusted finger cakes in upper crust tearooms in the Hamptons or wailing in hysteria over simple meals of canned-heat cooked SPAM and bean casseroles in finer trailer parks in Arkansas, those who adored Snow bow their heads in silent reverence at his memory today. President Bush, who gave up golf for 9/11, has offered to give up badminton at the loss of what he describes as a dear family friend.

“Tony taught me that Africa is a continent and not a nation,” a tearful Bush did not openly confess. “He was a true American hero. I’m dedicating my next Halloween costume to Tony Snow and suggest that all real patriots do the same.”

Snow had battled colon cancer previously but finally succumbed to the disease according to AP reports released this weekend. Legal fugitive and political mastermind Karl “Turd Blossom” Rove has demanded an investigation, suggesting former White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan’s latest tell all might be behind Snow’s move to embrace oblivion by first murdering his character. President Bush however, discounts the role that Scott’s “compelling work of fiction” played in Tony’s decision, claiming to have deeply enjoyed the autographed copy Scott McClellan’s agent sent to the White House.

“It’s a real potboiler,” a bemused Bush didn’t chuckle. “Kinda like Tom Clancy if he would have written a Choose-Your-Own Adventure book. I have always loved those books.”

A remembrance for Snow and those he abandoned for the carefree life of a bachelor left behind has already sprung up online.

http://respectance.com/Tony_Snow/memorial?gclid=CPf2yYqIu5QCFR8cagodQm8PUg

The Infamous $500 Blanket Story

from nandablog 06/29/08

The Move – Never Coming Back aka The $500 Blanket Story

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It’s been a crazy week so far. I have been moving out of my house in Glendale down to my new place in Manhattan Beach and, while I love the new digs, I am absolutely burnt out. I was supposed to spend the day cleaning my condo and packing anything left over there but I’m gonna take a mulligan for the day. My legs hurt in places I didn’t know there were muscles. Oh yeah. I think I am finally getting too old for this shit Riggs…lol.

Most of the move I was totally alone. The civilian I was dating had promised to help me but little Miss Banir disappeared on me and then broke up with me on Wednesday night. I was in the middle of the move, trying to put all of my furniture together after running back and forth between places all day, when she started in by text. Long story short she picked the worst time imaginable to decide to end it and then tried to create drama on top of it all. I had to laugh at the irony of the timing.

Once I had finished laughing, and shaking my head in disbelief, I realized that I had bitten off more than I could chew. Without help to clean and pack and move my house I was really in for a stressful few days. I begged Miss Banir for help but she was gone. Wafts of cat fur and dust bunnies drifted like tumbleweeds from every surface I unearthed as I packed but I pressed on. There would be no woman’s touch on this move.

I borrowed a car capable of the move from one of my ex’s (since my GT was in the shop with a bad alternator) and just huffed and puffed on Wednesday and Thursday. By Friday my legs felt like achy rubber so when I picked up the U-Haul I grabbed two-day laborers to help me move the big stuff. U-Haul, for the record, had moved my reservation about 20 miles away without warning me and so they didn’t have the 17 foot truck I had come in to reserve the week before and, despite their guarantee, told me that it was my fault then offered to let me rent a 14 foot vehicle. No discount was provided and I was told I could call customer service and complain next week. Forget it.

My good friend Vic came over, as promised, to help translate for me since he is fluent in Espanol, which turned out to be unnecessary since the key mover Raul already spoke perfect English. Last summer Vic and Bob and I were the inseparable “News Team” and stayed up all night partying and terrorizing Los Angeles from our crime lair conveniently located off Melrose proper. Since then we’ve stayed tight, even though Bob comes and goes with an alarming degree of impunity only deep friendship can allow, and infinite Buddhist loving heart patience. I had let Vic use one of the rooms of my condo as a storage space for a month that turned into a month and a half and he felt obliged to repay the favor by helping in some way with my move. Vic’s a little frenetic but he’s good people and I am glad to have him as a friend. He’s moved up in the world a little since last year when he worked wearing a Polar Bear suit to promote the movie Artic Circle and we ran around Hollyhood the rest of the week with a polar bear man. Now Vic works at Paramount helping artists record and working on his career as a producer. So far he’s met the Game, Damien “Young Gong” Marley, Alisha Keyes, Will.I.Am, and just about everyone else. He let me drop through one night to see the Game recording his new album. The Black Wall Street is kinda scary yo!

Vic was a few hours late since he had been up all night tracking David Banner in studio and then went home to see his lady for a hot minute. He could barely keep his eyes open so naturally I made him drive the U-Haul once it was packed.

I made the mistake of buying a six pack of beer for my day laborers, who turned out to be real assholes, making demand after strange demands for gas money and growing more aggressive as the move went on. On top of this they were also sadly inept as movers. I had to show them how to angle my couch through the doorway of my new apartment after they spent 15 minutes sweating all over it and broke the outdoor light in the process. My landlord watched pensively on throughout the duration. Raul then told me my fridge wouldn’t fit up the stairs so he grabbed my $300 blanket from Nordstroms and threw it over the coarse railing informing me they would just drag the fridge up on the dolly. Naturally I forcefully declined, explaining the cost of the bedding he was soiling and my lack of faith in his ability to manhandle my refrigeration unit successfully up the stairs. I told Raul that I would prefer to wait and let professional movers take it up. He grew enraged and told me that he was a professional mover and then openly mocked me saying, “is your $500 blanket okay?” He then tried to convince me to sell him my $1200 fridge for $100 because he mom needed it. By this point I just wanted him and his sweaty friend gone. He had obviously mistaken me for a child of privilege and his smug attitude was making me lose my patience and want to just go off on him, something I work desperately to avoid. I pulled the two of them aside and paid them, double the rate in cash that we had agreed on.

“What no tip?” Raul chided as I laid the crisp bills into his grimy palm. I wish I could tell you that I was taking license but he really said that. In the end it would have been the same amount or cheaper to just stay home and pack all my stuff and hire the moving company like I originally planned. Not to mention I wouldn’t need a day off to heal up. Make a mental note; next time hire movers.

Starting Over From Scratch

After lengthy and repeated attempts to create a workable shell for my own site's construction I've finally decided to just redirect to a Blogger format. It's far easier and let's face it, I don't need to make things more complicated than they actually are. After all, my real goal is to just archive some of my work and create a place for my (mostly strange) thoughts and observations.

I had great luck with my 1st blogger project, and I use these types of interfaces at work on a daily basis, so I'm pretty happy with this new plan.

That being said, here we go. I will attempt across this weekend to load a bunch of my personal writing to get the proverbial ball rolling. Wish me luck!

Nanda